When "I'm fine" turns into overeating
Have you ever eaten something instead of speaking up?
Maybe someone ignored something you said was important to you. Maybe you pretended that someone's comment about body weight didn't bother you. Maybe you didn't speak up at work. Maybe a parent, relative, or colleague minimized something you shared.
Even if you tried to convince yourself that it wasn't a big deal, it still may have, truthfully, bothered a part of you.
Some of us run into eating habits we don't feel good about, not because we don't know the "right" things to eat or habits to embody, but because we stayed quiet about things that mattered to us.
After many years of working with clients, I've come to strongly realize that our unwanted eating habits are teachers. They can show us where we've turned away from ourselves a bit, and to heal them, they invite us to courageously return to ourselves.
When "I'm fine" turns into overeating
When it comes to overeating, not speaking up is ONE of many reasons a person may turn
toward food. Before the words can rise up the neck to the mouth to be voiced, a person finds themselves pushing words back down the throat into the body with food. Then feeling frustrated about their eating.
Learning the skills for courageous communication is, interestingly, a strategy for a healthy relationship with food. Not only does it contribute to you showing up to your relationships in a healthier way, but food gets unburdened from the job of silencing you, which builds your confidence in two ways.
There naturally are fears that can arise if you've historically not spoken up about things that matter to you. Maybe you're afraid that you'll get rejected or abandoned for saying how it is for you. Maybe you fear everything coming out in a messy outburst. Maybe you aren't used to tolerating a lot of charge in your body and are more used to an outwardly "peaceful" demeanor.
Fears and concerns are normal.
Courageous Communication
In IFIO (Intimacy from the Inside Out - a branch of Internal Family Systems therapy) we talk about doing a "U-turn," when we're feeling triggered or upset, bringing the attention back to our inner experience. Instead of this:
"Why are you always late? You just care about yourself, like your life is more important than everyone's else's..."
It might transform into something like:
"Hey, I've noticed the past three or four times we've had plans you've been late. It's been bothering me. A part of me feels unimportant to you or not prioritized to you..."
It's the start of a conversation, at least. The second example is less likely to quickly put the other person on the defense. It is not a guarantee that the other person will not get defensive, but you are taking responsibility for your part of the conversation. There's a bit of vulnerability in it, which is why people initially avoid communicating that way.
I'd still encourage you to practice doing so because it will give you a chance to see how the other person handles your experience and feelings, without the layers of accusation or moral judgment.
If you often turn toward food for other reasons that appetite or hunger, and you resonate with having a difficulty speaking up at times, this is territory worth exploring, for the health of your relationships and your relationship with food.
With love & respect,
Laura
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